Fantasy Crookball is a fantasy league like no other. Aside from the obvious difference of basically having nothing to do with players’ on-field performances, Crookball is unique in other ways as well.
First, there’s not really an offseason. The league lasts the entire year. While other fantasy leagues leave you with months of downtime to ponder life’s greater questions, work on that novel, and get to know your kids’ friends better, we don’t. And let’s face it–those things are all terrible. There is no off-season for trouble, and therefore there is no off season for us. Clearly there will be a short period between the end of a year and the beginning of the next, but just enough of a break to whet your appetite for more–not enough to cause withdrawal.
Second, you aren’t limited to selecting players from a single league. In fact, you aren’t even limited to selecting players. Scum bags seem to be found in virtually every part of the sports world. Whether it be the alcoholic in the front office, the kleptomaniac on the coaching staff, the smack addict on special teams or the statutory-rapist owner, our one-of-a-kind roster allows owners to draft them all. Want an NBA player? He’s yours. Want a former NHL player? You got it. Want the coach of a Lithuanian women’s division III bobsled squad? That doesn’t exist. But, if it did–she’d be yours.
Third, members of your team are always eligible to get you points. There are no bye weeks, no being placed on the DL, no suspensions and no injury (aside from being paralyzed or possibly death) that can keep your team member sidelined from the Crookball field. It truly sucks when you draft the sickest slugger, running back or small forward and they miss a portion or all of the season, say good bye to that suck my friends. Being injured, suspended, thrown off of a team, or going to jail won’t keep players from being active in our league, in fact those things generally help.
Fourth, you don’t need 8, 10 or 12 people to start a league. Your league can just be you and your roommates, you and your P.O. or your entire office. Since our pool of “talent” is so large, Crookball leagues are not bound to the traditional fantasy restraints. And since our scoring style is “roto” (more on that later) you do not even need an even number or owners.
Okay, enough foreplay. Let’s get to scoring.
Points will be awarded to the owner of the crook based on the legal, league-related and various other troubles they encounter during the year. The league has eight categories listed below. Crooks earn points based on the results of their actions within those categories. And, regardless of what roster spot a crook occupies they can score points in any category.
Scrappin’: All actions related to assault or fighting.
Packin’ Heat: Actions that involve weapons use or possession. Not just guns, but knives, brass knuckles (those things still around?), samurai swords, molotoff cocktails and land mines.
Bitches: Actions and allegations involving spouses, girl friends, baby-mamas, gumars, female reporters, waitresses, fly girls and Kardashians.
Cloudy Piss: Anything involving prescription drugs, alcohol, illegal substances, or substances banned by the league your crook is associated with.
Car Trouble: Anything pertaining to speeding, crashes or other traffic violations.
Doin’ Work: In-game misconduct. This can be any class II foul. So, not simply a foul for an NBA player, Holding in the NFL or any “minor penalty” in the NHL, but basically anything beyond that. Unnecessary roughness, a flagrant foul, helmet to helmet etc.
Po’pourri: Miscellaneous idiocy not captured in any of the above categories. Such fouls include robbery, shoplifting, gambling, cheating on taxes, and offensive speech that leads to weeks of negative press and apologetic backpedaling.
Giving Back: Doing good deeds. These are basically the turnovers of our league and the more you get, the worse you’re doing.
Due to the unpredictability and sporadic (though scoring has thus far has been plentiful) nature of our league, there will be no week to week match ups, but rather Crookball will be scored “roto” or rotisserie style.
Roto scoring works by ranking the teams in order of their raw point totals per category and assigning points according to their rank. In a league of 10 teams (though Crookball can have far fewer or greater) this would mean that whoever scores the most points in a given category would get 10 points in that field. Second place will get 9 points, third 8 points, and so on down to the last place being rewarded 1 point…loser. This process will be repeated for each of the 7 other categories and an owner’s final score will be calculated by adding up their point totals. A perfect score (1st place in all 8 categories) in this scenario would be 80 points. The worst you could possibly do (last place in all 8 categories) would translate to 8 points. Get it? Good. If not, maybe this isn’t for you, in which case we highly recommend tuning into CBS for some great programming and bright colors.
For each of the 8 categories the point value of infractions will be determined based on the general severity of the crook’s actions. The greater the crime, the greater the score.
Getting busted (1) Your crook got caught. If no charges are filed and no tickets, bail, or fines are given out, you get 1 point. This just means that there was some report of an incident taking place.
Fined (2) Your crook was caught and is being held financially responsible for his actions. You’d get an additional 2 points here and depending on the severity of the fine/ticket/other fees associated with the crime you could be eligible for bonuses.
Results in suspension/missed games (3) Your crook’s actions have lead to their suspension or made them unavailable to participate in a game. 3pts will be awarded for each game missed.
Results in serious injury (5) Your crook got injured or injured someone else due to their crookery. 5pts will be awarded per person injured.
Results in jail (7) Your crook find themselves in the big house due to their actions and you’re rewarded with 7pts.
Results in death (10) Your crook dies or kills someone–10 pts.
Any infraction can score points in multiple categories. If your crook, for example, fights in a game they could get points in both Scrappin’ and Doin’ Work. If your crook pulls a knife on an angry ex during a heated argument in a bar while intoxicated you could get points in Packin’ Heat, Cloudy Piss and Bitches.
Bonus points will also be awarded within each category for especially egregious, impressive, or hilarious acts.
Points are scored for any NEW infraction or, in other words, any event worthy of points that occurs AFTER the player has been added to a roster. There is, however, one exception. If a player has an event from his or her past come to light during a matchup, his or her owner will be awarded the appropriate points. For example, if a baseball player had not tested positively or been accused of taking steroids, but today we learn that he indeed was using and is suspended, then that player’s owner would get points as if it had just happened.
Just like in regular fantasy leagues an owner may lose points due to their players fucking up. In this case a fuck-up is anything positive. Negative one (-1) point per offense, plus bonuses.
-Appearing in an NBA cares commercial or similar in other leagues
-Donating a sizeable amount of money to charity resulting in news
-Enrolling in the Big Brother program
-Writing a book
-Appearing on OTL where you talk about how your parents both died before you were born and you taught your sister how to read while scoring touchdowns as a 6 year old playing for your local high school.
-Planting a tree in Israel
-Making a cheap shoe for the peoples
-Appearing on a wheaties box
To reflect the proper weight on offenses, and on their results, we have provided some scoring bonuses. These will be tacked onto offenses that take place:
1 point per $5,000 in fines or lost money, cap at 50
1 point per missed game
1 point per month of probation
2 points per month of jail time
5 points if Outside the Lines episode reports about the player’s wrongdoings.
DWF points: an additional half of the total points accrued by the offense, rounded to the nearest whole number
MOQ points: negative one half of the total points accrued by the offense, rounded to the nearest whole number
Bonuses by Category
1 point per: additional person fought
1 point per: weapon (non gun) or object used as a weapon involved
1 point per: additional weapon, additional clips
1 point per unconventional weapon or anything too big be concealed in your pants
2 points per automatic weapon
Not-Your-Bitch (NYB) Bonus: 1 point if she’s not your bitch
1 point per: extra ho, each different race banged, stripper
2 points if it’s statutory
1 point for a drug that’s not weed
1 point per additional drug
2 points for performance enhancing substances
3 points for intent to sell
1 point per: Each additional car wrecked, every 10mph over the speed limit
1 point per each additional person fought or fouled.
-1 point per $5,000 in donations
-1 point per Day of volunteering
There are 18 positions with no bench as there will not be a typical lineup. As a bonus if you select a player who is thrown out of a league forever or dies, or is placed in jail for the duration of the year, you will be able to pick up a player from the same position on the waiver wire.
FLEX big – A player from any sport listed above
FLEX small – A player from any team sport that isn’t NBA or NFL
1on1 – A player from any one-on-one sport (golf, tennis, boxing, MMA)
Racing – NASCAR, IndyCar, horseracing, swimming, running
International athlete – an athlete not from the US, or an American athlete who plays in an international league
NCAAF D1 team – single players and the entire teams are scored identically
NCAAB D1 team – single players and the entire teams are scored identically
Adult – Coach/manager/owner/sportscaster/announcer/referree (any sport, current or past)
Retired MLB/NBA/NFL player
Retired MLB/NBA/NFL player
Retired any sport
Actor who has played an Athlete
Since the Crookball season is a full calendar year, there will be a full season and off-season for every type of player you may draft. This will equalize the playing field, as players may be more or less prone to get in trouble depending on whether or not they are currently playing, training or just fucking around. The season lasts the entire year and then some, as new years and the holidays generally prove a great time for crookery.
An owner may pick up any player unclaimed by another team, as long as each roster maintains the same positions. FCB managers must officially submit the roster request to the commissioners. The roster change will take effect within the next 24 hours. Dropped players endure a 2-day waiver period. If a player is picked up AFTER an infraction takes place, no points will be rewarded for the infraction or any resulting fines/penalties/games missed. This way, owners will not be rewarded for simply being the first to pick up a player who has recently gotten into trouble.
Teams can trade players, as long as each roster maintains the same positions. The FCB managers must submit their trade request to the commissioners and announce the trade to the league. Trades endure a 2-day reviewing period and take effect on the eve of the following matchup.
Actual Reward Currently TBD
Prizes will be awarded to:
Regular season Winner
Regular season Runner-up
Overall Points Leader
A player accrues points when that player’s offense causes him/her to miss games, whether it is due to suspension, injury, jail time or death. Additionally, if that player’s actions inflict suspension, injury or death on another player, then the offending player accrues points for each of those games missed as well. NFL players get 2 points per missed game, because they play only one game per week while other athletes may play as many as six.
A fine is considered any loss of money as a result of a player’s actions. Being fined by your team or league are obvious examples, but players are also entitled to points in such instances as bribery, child support and paying off mistresses.
So many times in fantasy leagues, a player may do something great in a game but it does not show up in the box score; even if it does, the points allotted do not equal the accomplishment. This can be said for buzzer-beating shots, creating the critical block for your running back to score a TD, stopping a homer by climbing the center field wall, and more.
Fortunately, Crookball succeeds where most fantasy leagues fail. We award the swagger. The DWF (Delonte West Factor) can increase the value of a “score” if it was awesomely, creatively or hilariously executed. When Delonte West was caught on the back of a motorcycle with 3 guns (one of which was a shotgun in a guitar case strapped to his back…classic) he would have scored only 5 points for his manager (1 for getting caught with gun, 2 bonus points for extra guns, 1 for the shotgun, and another point in the riiiiides category because he was speeding.) He has yet to be fined or miss a game due to this infraction. However, since we can all agree that this move was bad-ass as fuck, he earns an extra 50% of the total points accrued, rounded to the nearest whole number, for a total of 8.
Often times in fantasy sports a player’s mistakes and are not penalized. Or worse yet, they are rewarded for ugly or bad plays. Not here. The Michael Olowokandi Quotient makes sure of it.
The Michael Olowokandi Quotient, is essentially the opposite of the D.W.F. Michael Olowokandi refused to leave a strip club while wasted in Minnesota in 2005. He was tazed repeatedly, fined and I think he peed himself. This kind of behavior is the type of shit that a FCB manager would typically love to see, and if it were anyone other than Michael Olowokandi, it would probably be awesome. Unfortunately for the former #1overall draft pick, he ruins everything. Cheating with a girl that looks like a busboy, getting pulled over in a ’98 Hyundai Elantra with ground effects, assaulting someone with a garden hose, etc are all examples of MOQ-worthy behavior and only receive half credit.