According to Wikipedia (which gives this data an 11% chance of being accurate) there are 13,087 taxis in NYC and over 40,000 other for-hire vehicles Braylon could have taken. NYC also has close to 650 miles of subway (that’s a lot of Jared Fogle). If that were not enough, the Jets have their own complimentary 24 hour limo service for it’s players. So if he wasn’t in the mood for mass transit he could have had a Towncar, Escalade or Mercedes drive him and his entourage.

When Braylon was trapped in my Co-Mish’s hometown of Cleveland and playing for The Browns (a team that would drive anyone to the sauce) getting a DUI would have made sense because, after the bars close there’s pretty much nothing to do there. That over-sized silver triangle filled with guitars and shiny pants really should stay open later than 8pm.

But, in New York City? NEW YORK CITY!?! Come on Bray-Bray! Not only is there hardly a reason to EVER get behind the wheel of a car there, unless it’s yellow and checkered and you’re name has like six consecutive consonants, but what in the world would possess you to do so while intoxicated? It’s just bad bidness, which is why I am blaming his beard.

Edwards' beard enjoys the sauce, cigars, cock fighting and rebelling against democracy in all its devilish forms.

Braylon promptly trimmed his homage to Kimbo Slice’s Pubic mound after his car trouble and has since looked like a new man. He was sidelined for the 1st quarter of Sunday’s game due to his beard’s weekend indiscretion, but made a huge impact once he entered the game with a 67 yard TD. Since there was no mischievous chin-fro to slow him down or order him another round of lemon drops on the way to the end zone, the NYPD pulled the check point they had planned on setting up at the 10 yard line.

Recently, while the Phillies were hosting the Florida Marlins, third baseman and fan of alliteration, Placido Polanco took to the plate with two outs and one man on in the bottom of the 8th inning. The Phillies had an 8-7 lead and were looking for an insurance run or two to help secure the win. The camera man panned through the crowd to capture the electricity in the stadium–He should have known better.

A short-bus-dwelling moron in a baby blue Phillies fisherman hat (yes, apparently they do still make those) made the Philly-most of his four seconds of screen time by doing the Philly version of, “Hi mom.” Which, of course means he grabbed the tits of the chick standing next to him. Nothing says post season push like feeling up an overweight intoxicated stranger on TV.

Yes, he somehow made it out of the airport without getting gunned down. The cops apprehended him at his home, where he was found mid-coitus with his partner. No rodeo reported.

Read the full story here.

JR Smith’s mansion got robbed while he was puttin’ up 17 points against the Jazz on April 28.

Apparently Smith left his garage door open, as well as the Mercedes that was parked inside. His security cameras were turned off. No one else in the Cherry Hills Country Club had an incident, and the video system at the community entrance had been shut down due to a “pre-planned construction project,” according to Arapahoe County Sheriff Grayson Robinson. Despite the crime lab evidence, Robinson says the case has been “deactivated, because we’ve exhausted the investigative leads.”

Here’s a list of what Smith lost. Should you come across any of these items, send your boy a tweet.

• Garage door opener. Taken from the glove box of the unlocked Mercedes. $50 in value.
• 4 Louis Vuitton bags, $60,000 in value.
• $15,000 cash (inside one of the LV bags).
• 1 G-Shock watch, $200.
• 1 Panerai watch, $5,000.
• 1 black Oakley sports bag, $45.
• Another $2,000 in cash (inside said Oakley bag).

To top it all off, the culprit took Smith’s clothes out of his drawer and tossed them all over his room. What a schmendrick!

Come on, JR! Retaliate!!

- A frustrated Co-mish, Snitches Get Stitches

The lady called 911, and Golden Tate got away with merely a warning and some sticky fingers.

“They’re irresistible,” Tate said, according to the Seattle Times. “If you ever want some maple bars, that’s the place to go.”

When Golden Tate wants a maple bar, you can't keep him from crossing the goal line.

This donut caper comes at a coincidental time, when the Seattle-based chain was just brought on as an official vendor at Qwest Field, home of the Seahawks. Is that why Top Pot didn’t press charges, or is Golden Tate merely a scapegoat in a marketing stunt? Here’s what head coach Pete Carroll had to say about it:

“I’m not disappointed in a guy being in a doughnut shop when they’ve got maple bars like Top Pot has. We talked about it, addressed it and he’s most remorseful about it and all that. I do understand the allure of the maple bars.”

We’ll be watching Carroll’s tummy grow all season. As for Golden Tate, this is a great example of how dumb rookies make for great Crookball players. The big contracts and bright lights bring the sudden allure of invincibility. Eat up rookies. The donut shop is your kitchen, and the liquor store is your sandbox.

- Co-mish, Snitches Get Stitches

It’s not too late to vote on this issue! And Phillies baseball has a lot more season to go. See previous post of Phillies fan delinquency.

I’m spectin’ to get some points in the Bitches column pretty soon.

- Co-mish, Snitches Get Stitches

"I got two. Who needs two? Two tickets here."

Ron Artest, who has been on crook-watch all season, opened up his wallet as wide as he generally opens his mouth this week. He Gave away $18,000 in tickets to two lucky fans for game 1 of the NBA Finals. When the fans tweeted Ron that they needed tickets, I doubt they expected him to respond at all. When he did, they must have been thrilled. When they found out they were floor seats, they must have been, well…floored. Ron who publicized his defense just a few months back played lock-down D in the victory. It’s nice to see Ron-Ron giving something to fans other than fractured mandibles. Haywood’s Heroes, who’s been a real crookball force so far, will lose 4 pts (1pt per $5,000) in Giving Back for this menschy deed. We realize the tickets were $18,000 not $20,000. However, after Ticketmaster’s (the real crooks) fees, charges, convenience charges, and surcharges the cost likely eclipsed the 20k mark.

-Little Lebowski Urban Achievers

I wonder if I should have recycled them instead...

He was apparently upset by losing both games and took the pucks so the winning team, the Chicago Blackhawks, could not keep them as souvenirs. His actions have been called, “Bush league” by members of the Blackhawks, but here at Crookball we prefer the term, “our league.” He then threw them in the garbage where according to Pronger, “they belonged.” Hockey players, while known for fighting, do not have a long history of theft. It is nice to see they are beginning to diversify.

-Little Lebowski Urban Achievers

I’m working on the lispy ones—Michael Strahan, Mike Tyson.